Many people have money beliefs and money stories that they have learned from childhood. So when it comes to dealing with our own money beliefs, this can be challenging enough. So imagine when you not only have to deal with your own money story but the money stories of your partner too?It can get messy & complicated and it often ends in tears and arguments.
In this weeks video, I talks about 4 ways you can go from arguments, resentment and anger to happy & harmonious relationship with your partner when it comes to your finances.
I must get asked about this probably more so than anything. There is a lot of stress and anxiety about money and how to handle it with your partner. What to do when you have very different ways of handling money, of managing money, of thinking about money and feeling about money and then you come together in a marriage or a relationship and things start to go horribly wrong. Now there are statistics that money is a major contributor of divorce and we don’t want to see this continuing on. We don’t want money to be the thing that gets in the way of a great relationship.
What are some of the things that you can do to really take the pressure off that whole thing with money and your partner? The first thing is…
It is not your job to fix him.
It is not your job to change him. It is not your job to take everything that you learn, to take your new money mindset, to take your new beliefs and to shove it into him. It’s not your job. You are there simply to grow yourself, to learn, to have these experiences. Then basically by living them, by demonstrating to your partner what is possible with a new way of thinking, with a new way of being, then he can start to pay attention. On the whole, men like to be shown rather than being told. They do tend to shut down if a woman is telling them how to think and how to behave.
When they see a change in you, a positive change, when things are starting to transform in your business, in your personal finances, then men start to pay attention. Once they start to pay attention, then you can start to have genuine money conversations. Which brings me to point number two.
It’s about communication.
Really the best way to talk about money is to sit down together at a certain time and have a money date. A money date is a beautiful way of sitting together maybe having a glass of wine or going out and having a coffee together and really talking about your finances without judgement , without argument and without the anxiety. If you’re going to do it at home, then it’s a great idea to do it on a night where you’re both relaxed.
You might have some dinner. You might have some wine and then you might start to have a conversation. You might even go as far as getting out some bank statements, having a look at your financial position and really starting to listen to each other without criticism and without jumping in aggressively with judgement , with anger. Just listen to each other and see what the situation is. Oftentimes a situation may not be as bad as you think or if it isn’t great, then at least you can work together to resolve it. Without that communication, without sitting down to a money date night, then it becomes really difficult because you’re not able to relax into it and that’s often just a rushed conversation and it often ends in an argument.
The third thing that you could do to prevent arguments in your relationship is to…
Decide how you are going to handle your finances together in your relationship.
Now some people have joint accounts. Some people have separate accounts. Either is fine. It doesn’t matter as long as it works for you. Sometimes what many couples tend to have is they have their own separate accounts and then they have a joint account which they both contribute to which pays for the household bills, the groceries, the insurances, the school fees, whatever it might be. Then each has their own account and each basically is then free to do what they want with that money.
If you are both working towards something, then again you can have a a separate account for that also so you can have a travel account that you both contribute to so that you can have a holiday at the end of the year. Perhaps you have an account that you both put into because you’re saving for your kid’s education in the future. Whatever it is, it has to be something that works for you. It doesn’t come with a hard and fast rule, but it’s important to make sure that all the household bills are being taken care of and then you are then able to choose what you do with the rest of the money without further arguments or anxiety. The fourth way to really stop arguments and anxiety about money with your partner is to try and workout what your common money goals are.
If you’re both working towards something, it makes it so much easier to get there, to really work together instead of against each other, to really put in the money that you need to say to build a house, to have a fabulous luxurious holiday. When you have a common financial goal, you tend to come together. When it’s one person who wants something and another person who wants something and there’s a tug of war around money, that’s oftentimes when arguments can start. Sure, you’re not going to have a common desire for everything, but at least if you can have a common financial goal that you’re both working towards, then it takes that pressure off and it gives you something to work towards.
Then when you achieve it, you should celebrate it big time because you’ve achieved this together. It just shows you that money can be a beautiful tool to help you achieve what you want in your life rather than a cause of argument and heartbreak.
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